What the Hell Wednesday

Now ya’ll know I have had a few…misadventures, why should today be ANY different. Early this morning I heard scratching sounds but thought it must be the wind. I go back to sleep. Then later in the morning I hear it again, so I look out the window …no wind, humm. Again I dismiss it. Then when in my bathroom it sounded as if the HULK was coming thru the freakin wall. I tip into my closet…nothing. Tip to the hallway and I hear LOUD scratching and weird sounds. I SLAM my bedroom door, and think what THE HELL! I need to flee, is my next thought. I stand there for a few minutes clutching my chest, then I think hell no, I’m not running this is my house. I hear it again, tip into the laundry room and realize it’s coming from the dryer vent, I can see it move! WTH, I slam the laundry room door and run back to my bedroom and slam that door as well. What the hell is in there? I’m thinking an opossum, raccoon, bob cat, yeah literally this is what I’m thinking. (o_O) I place a 911 post on Facebook, and immediately I get responses, a unit has been dispatched, to my location (literally). I continue to clutch my phone to my chest because you never disconnect before the unit arrives. I’ve watched enough police shows and re-enactments to know that. I just hit the refresh button over and over in case they need more info, you know like where is the intruder, can I describe him, is he armed? What I know for sure is that WHATEVER it is I KNOW it’s armed because it has teeth and claws, yes, it’s armed and dangerous!

Just then there’s a knock on the door help has arrived. So I disconnect. I ran my ass past that laundry room like Flo Jo!! I’m pretty sure I only touched 3 of the 14 steps. So Bill,my hero, arrives and he looks around the laundry room and initially we hear nothing. I’m thinking oh shit it has gotten out! A moment of panic sets in. Where the hell is it? He’s shaking things and moving things and I hear no scurrying. Now I’m thinking I need to put some shoes on! Don’t want it get get my feet! Then Bill says it’s probably just a squirrel or a mouse; I trip over the vacuum cleaner as I run away from the laundry room. Why did he have to say a MOUSE!? After a few minutes he discovers the intruder! He says “Aww its a little bird”. Oh it’s a bird? I can handle THAT. So I venture back into the laundry room. Then all of a sudden this… PTERODACTYL, emerges from behind the dryer like a freakin PHENOIX rising from wherever they rise from. Or perhaps the monster from Jeepers Creepers, I’m guessing he came from the bowels of hell, and that’s NEVER good. It bolts towards the door by which I was standing, I ran( you know that high stepping run like it was on the floor and I didn’t want to step on it kinda run)No No, it was like when you workout and your trainer say high knees,LMAO! So I high kneed it screaming into my bedroom and it went flapping down the hall. I peeped thru my door to see it hovering in the hall (I could feel the breeze from its ample wingage, YES, wingage) for a few seconds and then it flew into my sons room. Bill, my hero, calmly walks down the hall and into the bedroom and closes the door. I do a fast tipping kinda run down there and yell thru the door “Do you need me to do anything” LMAO!! “No, I’m fine” Thank you Jesus, because, had he said yes, it would have been an EPIC FAIL! So I wait by my bedroom door, you know just in case the pterodactyl overpowers Bill (My hero) and comes thru the door Flintstone style. Heck you never know, stranger things have happened. It could have gotten caught up in my hair (ya know I’m natural, it may have mistaken it for a nest!!) Aint nobody got time for THAT!

So after a few minutes Bill, my hero, says it’s all clear, he’s gone! You sure? “Yep out the window” So then I walk down there and open the door all bold and brassy like I got a” pair”, well I do but not those!(giggles) I look around like yeah I was just coming in to give you hand, LMAO.

No animals were injured in the misadventure that was my Wednesday morning!

Hero’s come in all shapes and sizes and sometimes from the most unlikely places. Today mine came in the form of my longtime neighbor from 1 cul de sac over, Bill C!! No cape needed, just a bag and an open window.


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