Cooch de grâce

Yep, it’s time for my annual…exam. Many of us would rather die than have to scoot down to  the end of the table until we feel their hand. Shit I was scooting so much my knees were beside my ears! I was like DAMN Tammy, (Tammy is my nurse practitioner the I see)  where is your hand? She laughed. I didn’t. She is all happy and smiling like she is running on time. It’s now well after 1pm, my appointment was at 10am! Yeah, I’m still rolling my eyes at her. And why do they want to have a conversation with you while your ass is hanging off the table and you are  spread eagle in front of someone who has no intention on pleasuring you, in fact, its quiet  the opposite. Let’s be clear, no, I don’t want to talk about, me, your kids, my kids,you or current events. My eyes remain focused on the drop ceiling tile that is askew. I can hear movement “down there” but she is not about her business. I know supplies are there, because I have checked and added a few things just in case. (Remember I’ve been in this room for over an hour)I didn’t want her to have to leave the task at hand not even for 1 second. She continues to yada yada, blah blah, and I’m wondering just why didn’t  these professionals fix this tile. And I begin to look for more mishaps. When I finally rejoin Tammy it feels like my feet have been in the stirrups long enough to give birth. So I say to her, “Tammy, whatcha doing down there?” Well her response was, “You are going to feel a little pressure”. And I hear the “click” (The Cooch de grace) ladies you know what I mean. I immediately tense, “Just relax” she says. Yeah you relax when you have  mutant plastic duck billed platypus hanging from, umm your platy-pus. I would have kicked her, but refer back the sentence that immediately proceeds this one :-/  images[10] (2)

Then begins the her confusion as to what she is actually supposed to be doing “down there”. Now I know, she’s made of sugar and spice and everything nice, but dammit, this is not the inside of a mixing bowl that you are scraping, do, leave some sugar inside my walls.  Finally, she says, “Everything looks great”. In other words she is on fleek! LMAO. Yeah, yeah, thanks, but could you remove the platypus, please and thank you!

Just when I thought it was safe to  finally breath again, she becomes 2 fingaz Flo. Lawd, let this be over. Finally I hear the peel and pop of the gloves. Yaas, its over. Betcha she didn’t have to tell me to take my feet out of the stirrups and push back on the table. Of course when I do the push, back my lovely paper gown, designed by Medline, becomes an off the shoulder little number as it rips. I have now just recreated  Janet Jacksons Super Bowl moment, of sorts. Then I lose the bottom as I grab for the shoulder. It slides to the floor. Now, not only am I boob out, but my platypus who is normally very shy, is now out on front street, again. Sigh. At this point, I’m so over it I just hop down off the table and proceed to clean up and get dressed. Get this, Tammy says I’ll leave so you can get dressed. My thought, “Really heffa? Now you are uncomfortable? GTFOH. You have fondled my breast and squeezed my nipples, fondled my platypus with your duck-billed platypus and your fingaz, now you are uncomfortable with me getting dressed? Feel free to take your torture device and sitcho yo ass right here, and make small talk with me until I have cleaned you and I am completely dressed. Instead I just rolled my eyes at her, again, as I proceeded to get dressed.

I know I made light of my exam but, it is a very serious matter. Although, we dread this, it is a necessary part of being a healthy woman. It is a pain in the butt (well  not the butt, lol) and it can be embarrassing and definitely puts us in a very compromising  and vulnerable  position, however, I’d rather go through this once a year, because as the saying goes, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound cure.” And let us not forget early detection!

These preventative screenings are available for a reason, they work! And they are available to all women regardless if you have insurance or not. There is always your local heath department/social services department, they should be able to give you a  you a list of resources. Also keep your eyes open for the various health fairs that pop up. They will listen to your heart, check your pulse and blood pressure as well as give you resources.  You need to get your annual pap or at least biannual exam as well as a clinical breast exam, family history or not.

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Next stop mammogram…it’s a year round effort, not just October. Like the saying goes, “Big or small, lets save them all!”




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