I’m sorry the connection you are trying to maintain has been broken. Please stop trying to understand it and just know that the pain will remain.
In my heart this is what I heard. It played in that generic recorded voice, when you dial a number that has been disconnected.
My tears began to flow faster than the swiftest moving flash flood. I’m thinking OMG, really?
It all began with a misunderstanding. I was supposed to meet a friend at one place but I went to another, both have the same name. In a way I was happy I was in the wrong place because at this point, I was a mess and I’m not fond of people seeing me in such an emotional state. The place I went to was right outside my old neighborhood, the place where I was the happiest, the place where my husband and I began raising our family, the place of countless birthday celebrations and family gatherings, the last place I believe my husband was healthy. As I turned onto the street that runs parallel to the subdivision without warning the flash flood of tears began.
I never expected so much pain to be so close to the surface. Even if I had known, I never would have expected it to be released at that time, because of that location. I’ve been back there before without incident. But then again, grief is an unpredicatable bitch. I managed to pulled myself together. Again, somewhat relieved to be in the wrong place. I didn’t want to have to face my friend that way. My thought then became since everything happens for a reason, what was the point of this? I began shaking my head as if it would make it all go away, I just stuffed the thoughts and feeling into their ever-expanding compartment, and tried to move on with my day instead of delving deeper into the pit of pain that I so desperately wanted to escape.
I find myself now, wanting to be in my friends presence, because I knew if anyone could make me laugh and take my mind off of the pain it would be him, although, I decided not to mention it to him. True to who he is, I had many laughs about being in the wrong place. The laughs, allowed the painful thoughts to flow to the back of my mind. And, they remained there, briefly, only to resurface at the craziest moment. I tried so hard to blink them back, but again, flash floods are powerful! Grief is powerful. Painful emotions are powerful. I excused myself before things became really awkward. While pulling myself together I find myself asking again, what am I supposed to get from this? I pulled myself together and was able to move forward with my day, but even now as I type this I have tissue handy.
Grief is a pissed off bitch with a vendetta. She sits back in the shadows like a stalker just waiting for that moment when you least expect it, and surprise; she jumps out and throws you off your stride. The restraining order you threw at her means nothing, she just laughs at your futile attempts to feel safe and protected. Trying to protect yourself from grief is about as productive as trying to send a text from your moms old rotary phone. So I just learned feel it, and keep moving forward with my life, in such a way that Chuck would be proud of me.
…the number you are trying to reach is no longer in service, please hang up and try your call again, this is a recording.