Chitty Chitty Bang

…and after I was shot in the head my will to survive kicked in like Adam Vinatieri at clutch time! Although it took a second for me to realize what had happened, I could literally feel the adrenalin when it began its amped up coursing through my veins forcing me to move. Survival mode washed over me like a wave moving from head to toe. The splatter from the head shot distorted my vision but I could see there was movement all around me and I knew the general direction the shot came from. Instinctually,  I began to wildly return fire shooting at anything that moved. Shots were ringing out from every direction. I could hear them whizzing by narrowly missing me. I could feel the slight vibration in the ground from all of the shots that fell short of their intended target, me. I knew I had to move if I was going to survive this. Amazingly enough, mindless tv watching suddenly became my instruction manual, cover fire! As I laid the cover fire down, I started running, at some points low crawling my way to more substantial refuge. In my ears and head was the percussion section of the best HBCU band playing in slow motion. In the distance, I could hear footsteps and rounds being fired again in slow motion. I finally managed to take cover behind a pile of tires. Just as I pulled my legs behind the tires the sound of a what seemed to be an entire basketball team hitting the hardwood, each dribbling like a professional. But there was no hardwood, and no basketballs, these were rounds hitting the tires, all gunning (no pun intended) for me. The percussion section continues. I can feel the aftermath of the head shot as I wiped my forehead.  I said a prayer and raised my gun this time taking aim and fired several shots. At the release of the last round I heard, “Shit, I’m hit!” The percussion section pounded even louder and slower until I felt like I was being cocooned in the deep slow rhythm. My blinking slowed and my breathing seemed even slower than the blinking. I heard behind me, “She’s coming! She’s coming! Shoot!” I turned to my left and saw a figure cloaked in yellow running in my direction. The adrenaline raised my gun and fired, again and again! Still, the yellow figure advanced. I took aim and shot again. I heard screams, and it seems they encouraged me to pull the trigger again and again. It was as though my right index had a mind of its own. I fell to my belly still pulling the trigger, one final scream and it was then that I heard, what was the sound of sweet relief. “TIME! TIME!” When I looked from around the side of the tires I saw people walking across the field, hands and weapons in the air. It was only then that I dared to stand. I raised my weapon and hands as well.  As we all headed towards the exit of the paintball field there was excited chatter about how much fun that was and how those little bitty balls pack a pretty good punch. I loved my first round of paintball!! I’ve been wanting to try that forever! And it was  fun but also a bit scary! Again those little balls pack a bit of punch.

During one of the games, I’ll be damned if I didn’t run out of CO2! I had to leave the field and reload. Aargh!! I missed most of that round.

Next round we were pitted against a crew of prepubescent and pubescent gun wielding, entrenched veterans! These little boys meant business. It was a game of, “Head and Chest.” And that means you must get shot in the head or chest to be eliminated. WTH? Nope, what other games ya got! But the little pubes were all in! We eventually gave in and agreed to play. So we played and lost, and that’s all I have to say about that. Lol. Then we played them again this time on a different field. It took a while and ALL of our balls but we won that round. But let me tell you a bit about that. We formulated a plan. Yes, we were plotting on the kids, lol. So when they called go, we rushed the field to get as close to them  as possible right out of the blocks. And it worked but not without a few close calls, on my behalf. See, I wore my contacts but maybe should have worn my glasses. Two of my teammates were in front of me and I thought, I was aiming at the opponents. I think they call that, “Friendly Fire.” Gives a deer in headlights look. LMAO I didn’t actually hit them, more like made them wonder if the balls had started ricocheting.  Giggles! We won that round as well.
I really enjoyed paintball. I’ll definitely be taking the kids, LMAO!

PicMonkey Collage

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Cooch de grâce

Yep, it’s time for my annual…exam. Many of us would rather die than have to scoot down to  the end of the table until we feel their hand. Shit I was scooting so much my knees were beside my ears! I was like DAMN Tammy, (Tammy is my nurse practitioner the I see)  where is your hand? She laughed. I didn’t. She is all happy and smiling like she is running on time. It’s now well after 1pm, my appointment was at 10am! Yeah, I’m still rolling my eyes at her. And why do they want to have a conversation with you while your ass is hanging off the table and you are  spread eagle in front of someone who has no intention on pleasuring you, in fact, its quiet  the opposite. Let’s be clear, no, I don’t want to talk about, me, your kids, my kids,you or current events. My eyes remain focused on the drop ceiling tile that is askew. I can hear movement “down there” but she is not about her business. I know supplies are there, because I have checked and added a few things just in case. (Remember I’ve been in this room for over an hour)I didn’t want her to have to leave the task at hand not even for 1 second. She continues to yada yada, blah blah, and I’m wondering just why didn’t  these professionals fix this tile. And I begin to look for more mishaps. When I finally rejoin Tammy it feels like my feet have been in the stirrups long enough to give birth. So I say to her, “Tammy, whatcha doing down there?” Well her response was, “You are going to feel a little pressure”. And I hear the “click” (The Cooch de grace) ladies you know what I mean. I immediately tense, “Just relax” she says. Yeah you relax when you have  mutant plastic duck billed platypus hanging from, umm your platy-pus. I would have kicked her, but refer back the sentence that immediately proceeds this one :-/  images[10] (2)

Then begins the her confusion as to what she is actually supposed to be doing “down there”. Now I know, she’s made of sugar and spice and everything nice, but dammit, this is not the inside of a mixing bowl that you are scraping, do, leave some sugar inside my walls.  Finally, she says, “Everything looks great”. In other words she is on fleek! LMAO. Yeah, yeah, thanks, but could you remove the platypus, please and thank you!

Just when I thought it was safe to  finally breath again, she becomes 2 fingaz Flo. Lawd, let this be over. Finally I hear the peel and pop of the gloves. Yaas, its over. Betcha she didn’t have to tell me to take my feet out of the stirrups and push back on the table. Of course when I do the push, back my lovely paper gown, designed by Medline, becomes an off the shoulder little number as it rips. I have now just recreated  Janet Jacksons Super Bowl moment, of sorts. Then I lose the bottom as I grab for the shoulder. It slides to the floor. Now, not only am I boob out, but my platypus who is normally very shy, is now out on front street, again. Sigh. At this point, I’m so over it I just hop down off the table and proceed to clean up and get dressed. Get this, Tammy says I’ll leave so you can get dressed. My thought, “Really heffa? Now you are uncomfortable? GTFOH. You have fondled my breast and squeezed my nipples, fondled my platypus with your duck-billed platypus and your fingaz, now you are uncomfortable with me getting dressed? Feel free to take your torture device and sitcho yo ass right here, and make small talk with me until I have cleaned you and I am completely dressed. Instead I just rolled my eyes at her, again, as I proceeded to get dressed.

I know I made light of my exam but, it is a very serious matter. Although, we dread this, it is a necessary part of being a healthy woman. It is a pain in the butt (well  not the butt, lol) and it can be embarrassing and definitely puts us in a very compromising  and vulnerable  position, however, I’d rather go through this once a year, because as the saying goes, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound cure.” And let us not forget early detection!

These preventative screenings are available for a reason, they work! And they are available to all women regardless if you have insurance or not. There is always your local heath department/social services department, they should be able to give you a  you a list of resources. Also keep your eyes open for the various health fairs that pop up. They will listen to your heart, check your pulse and blood pressure as well as give you resources.  You need to get your annual pap or at least biannual exam as well as a clinical breast exam, family history or not.

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Next stop mammogram…it’s a year round effort, not just October. Like the saying goes, “Big or small, lets save them all!”

 

Pap

Holiday Blues

My day started off on such a positive note.  Then with about as much warning a lightening strike my mood takes a downward spiral. I found myself becoming more and more agitated as the day wore on. Then I became almost tearful. At some points I even felt almost confused which lead to feeling overwhelmed. And that my be the perfect word for the entire scenario, overwhelmed. As I sat at my desk I began to really realize of girl, you need to get a hold of yourself. Take a minute to regroup. I tried but I was unable to free myself from this web of emotions. I felt as helpless as the fly who found himself  entrapped in the silky web of the crafty spider. The difference, my crafty spider is grief, the web, the intricate flow of emotions it so craftily spins.

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Luckily for me I noticed the patterns that my grief and the emotions that I experience. Unfortunately, this does not make things any easier. What it does, is allow me to put those closest to me on notice. They know that it is not in my character to be snappy, rude, withdrawn or angry. I know that I need to take timeouts and try and work through my feelings until these “festive” days are done. Grief can be such an overbearing barrage of emotions. Will there ever be freed from this emotional web?

Life’s a Freestyle

 Ready, Set, Done!

As it’s been a while since our last free-write… set a timer for ten minutes. Write without pause (and no edits!) until you’re out of time. Then, publish what you have (it’s your call whether or not to give the post a once-over).

So the daily writing prompt is to basically freestyle. I have no CLUE as to where this is going, your guess is as good as mine. But the timer has started so lets see where it goes.

I guess this writing prompt is a lot like  life. Life is really just one big freestyle. Sure can have a vision but you have no control over the world around you and you have to be able to adapt and overcome within  seconds sometimes. Example, a car runs a red light, you have to be fluid, you must possess the ability to adapt and overcome, literally within seconds. And then there’s the more life altering freestyle that you encounter. Let’s say your seemingly perfectly healthy 38 year old husband is diagnosed with a rare untreatable, definitely incurable cancer. When he is diagnosed its already in the advanced stages and you are the only one who truly understand the gravity of the situation, because you are the nurse in the family. So it’s up to you to translate what the doctor is saying not only to your husband, but your children, your mother in law, your father in law and everyone else in the family. Finding the words to say and saying them with just the right tone, at just the right time. The freestyle of my life was telling my husband we have no way to save his life. How does one adapt to and overcome that, even after seven years.

Where there’s a will there’s a way

Today I’ve decided to focus on  tips for parents with toddlers.  Working out with your infant and toddler, it’s actually easier than you may think. With a little planning you can find ways to incorporate workouts into the time you spend with your children. I’ll share tips for toddlers to school age children in another blog post.

They are busy little balls of energy and curiosity. If you think just keeping up with them can seem like a workout in itself, well you maybe on to something.

You can play follow the leader with them, aka just try to keep up …lol just keep moving as long as they do. Allow them to roll a ball and YOU chase it. Try it for at least 15-20mins. For more of a challenge if your drive way is on a hill…yep allow them to roll it down hill and you go chase it down!

If you are serious about getting your workout in, invest in a jogging stroller and do as the name suggest. OR you could walk 🙂

Summer is fast approaching and the pool is a great place to get a workout in and spend QT with your little one. You don’t have to know how to swim.  Put the water wings on the little one and/or a life vest put them in an inflated tube and walk/run them around the pool. Try for 5 laps x 3. They will LOVE it and I promise you will get a workout. Kick it up a notch and alternate pool walking and running, its great cardio. For your arms same set up but lower your body in the water so that your arms are under water and just push and pull them towards you and away from you. Try 3 sets 15 reps. Never leave your child unattended in or around the pool.

You can always use the little tikes as your weights for bench presses. Up and down them facing you and make silly  faces. Not counting the ones you are making because of the struggle…hee-hee. This can be educational time as well count your reps out loud. 3 sets of 15

The same concept can be applied to push-ups. You might have to be quick with this one as they may want to get up and run if you are not fast enough. Lay your little on the floor on his/her back and get into push-up position so that your faces line up. You can do them military style on use your knees. Up and down  bending at the elbows, again you can count out loud, blow kisses, or do zurberts on their bellies. Zerberts (fill your cheeks with air and press your lips together and push it out on  the kiddo and make the zerbert sound!! They love that!)

If they are old enough push them on the swing. 1 push 3 jumping jacks do this until you have completed 10 pushes. Do this 2x’s. The jacks should be a 4 count exercise, 1-2-3-1, 1-2-3-2, 1-2-3-3, and so on.

Target your lower body…squats are your friend.  You can hold your infant either facing you or away from you. You want to hold them around their torso; their legs dangling your arms outstretched in front of you and lower your butt until your quads are parallel to the floor. Your weight is in your heels and not your knees. Your knees should be in line with your toes, not to pass them. Do 15 reps 3 sets.

Remember where there is a will there is a way!

In addition to these tips, you must eat clean (see previous blog post) and drink your body weight in ounces of water. No sodas. You can add lemon, orange slices or blueberries to your water for added flavor. Be consistent.

*Remember safety is always first. Use your good judgement with the SUGGESTIONS that I have provided and ALWAYS check with your doctor before starting a fitness program.

XOXO

Bliss

Chocolate

Good for your heart and
All of your sensitive parts
Smooth as milk, as intense as the darkest night
Vice, Addiction, the Sweetest Temptation
Craved, Wanted, Desired, Needed  your body tells you
But your head  like mama says  chocolate is no good for you
Too late you have tasted and felt the  immeasurable pleasure
Melts in your mouth
In your hands, a gushing fountain it becomes
From your LIPS straight to your HIPS
Takes a lil dip
Takes it’s time there
Indugles there
Melts there
Creates new flavors  there
Makes you forget why chocolate is bad
Experience, Explore, Enjoy
Chocolate

Wanting Wednesday

Like Morning Coffee

Strong robust, rich and creamy, full of flava
Head banging or smooth and sweet
Many craaave her GOT to have her
Clocks and timers are set so they don’t MISS her
Gotta have her
Mornings, days and nights are not complete without her
If missed for to long…the body cries out for her
Aches, and throbs for HER and her alone
Addicted, fix needed, oooh to wrap your hands around her warmth
To be transported by what she offers
Lips pursed ready to receive her, slow, careful…blow first
Pockets are unburden of their treasures just for her
A wiff, a taste, a sip of her richness, is to be made alive
Desired, craved, needed
She’s Like Morning Coffee

Hounds of Hell

Ok so I’m getting my nails done and there’s a dude across from me. I look over and this chick is SWEATING that’s giving him his pedi ( hair stuck to her neck and forehead sweating) and I see all this debris flying from his feet. He’s sitting with his hands crossed on his belly seemingly oblivious that he has unleashed the Hounds of HELL upon the poor unsuspecting 4 foot nothing 100 lb soaking wet woman. She eventually gets up and disappears for about 10 mins and comes back saying the devil is a LIAR she will NOT be defeated by these evil ass monster hounds in front of her!! Baaabae she comes back with the BLASTER 5000!! (Bad to the Bone plays upon her arrival) she sits down pulls her goggles down and fires that puppy UP!! She is NOT playing she’s using both hands and her knees on those hound …lmao!! When it’s over it looks like drywall exploded ova there and ….it’s in her hair (the back of her head and on her back)!! Hold on……Ok I’m back I had to go throw up! When she is done she gets up stretches removes the goggles ( one hand remains near 4head other on her hip) she closes her eyes and raises her head skyward…obviously giving thanks…SHE is a survivor, she stared evil n the face and is living to tell the tale!! She beat those dark evil hounds into submission… brought them into the light!! Reminding them they are indeed human not the evil monsters they present themselves as!! ThANK you JEsus!!